Hey Lee,

So I think you’ve got the material here and now you can shape it and think about the direction you want to go to for your next piece of writing (should you continue). There’s a lot of repetition here; we are following her thought processes and movements again and again, but there is something to say for precision and giving these actions and insights to the reader sparingly. I think you can rein things in and make them tighter. Cut out extraneous material that has already been mentioned, and instead of mentioning them again, describe new scenes related to them. Ie. when you first mention the husband you hint at marriage troubles. The second time you mention him, you could maybe describe a fight you remember. Same with motherhood. I like the new Don Quxiote bits, but I think they need to come in sooner, perhaps weave them throughout the narrative. This drops off in the beginning after first mention—all of a sudden she is listening to music. Is there more of the podcast that she can catch snippets off, repeat inside her head? Think about what she will say to her class, describe her students’ reactions. Is there one or two students in particular that are particularly insightful and make her rethink her own analysis of Quixote? Of her life?  These are some ideas for directions you could go in.

A minor note – you may want to comb your text for discrepancies in tense. Sometimes you use past, sometimes present, sometimes command-like present…

Here are my in-line comments: Lee+Week+Three – JP comments

Hi Nicola,

It’s a testament to good prose when a reader can effortlessly read through a piece like this one. Your prose has always been good, and the last paragraph was just exquisite. It leaves things open ended, which I like. It reminds me a bit of James Joyce’s Dubliners. I’m going to suggest the opposite of what I’ve been saying so far now and urge you to revisit the beginning. Really look at yourself in the third person; describe yourself. Who is this woman? What does she look like? This woman walks into this cemetery. She works at a local coffee shop. Her life so far has been X. She is looking for X. She visits the cemetery now because X. She leaves either finding or not finding X.  You don’t have to tell us why she doesn’t remember her past very well, you only have to hint at it. Why can’t she hold onto places? Is that why she revisits this cemetery time after time? This is the one place where she can remember things, maybe. I really think that you can make this into a short short story—nonfiction and all. But for that to happen, we need to know that this woman ismore than just a „she“, even if she remainds anonymous. We need to be able to look at her from an outsider’s perspective in the beginning, only to be pulled into her perspective later. Right now it starts enmeshed/mired in her perspective. There needs to be some type of change, a slight climax, maybe. Some kind of transformation of her self, or reader’s perception of the woman, from the beginning to the end.

My comments in-line (I had very few): Cnf+week5+NicolaCaroli – JP comments

Hey Bob,

This second version has a very different tone, rythmn, and style than the previous. I’m not sure how I feel about it; it’s definitely cleaner, and I like the opening. I like that it’s more humorous, at the same time I miss the nostagia of the last one. You still have some of it here, but it gets lost in the sardonic present after the Kodak camera. At the same time, I love the personality that is imbued by present day Bob, who plays multiple roles in this piece (8 year old, uncle, son, etc.). I wonder if you can reconcile the two versions? Keep the fluidity of the first draft, but imbue it with this new present-day personality when you revisit the present.

At this point the scene with the niece seems  extraneous—I don’t think it has to be if she brings something new to the table. What is her vision of the place? Or how does he think she views the place? Basically, where is this story going? Towards his reconciling of past and present? I don’t think the past is fleshed out enough for him to reconcile just yet. There’s too much history left to explore! If you want to keep this a short piece, you’re going to have to cut out a lot and hone in on one or two scenes. If you’re going to keep writing and make this longer, I say go all out… There are so many names mentioned—I want to know about all of them.

Another point about the style and tone—you want to keep it similar to the first week’s, or you want to change the first week’s too. My personal preference is the first week’s style and tone—I loved it and it pulled me right in.

In any case, good luck with the rest of your endeavors. Here are my in-line comments: CNF-Week-5-Jefferson-Street-2A-Bob_Metry(2) – JP Comments

Hi Cynthia,

Judging from your brackets, it looks like you know what you need to develop still. I’m going to comment on the new addition at the beginning. I wonder what is the significance of Michelle observing women stretching together around the fountain? Will these women reappear later in the narrative, or is the stretching in unison indicative of something absent or present in Michelle’s life? In any case, it’s a compelling picture. And the fact that this picture is jarred by two striking women, akin to L., could also be symbolic.

I would like the narrator to step back at this time, and really observe Michelle in the third person. What does Michelle look like? How does she appear to the third party observer? How would she be described by L. or by a woman stretching at the fountain who observes out of the corner of her eye this woman scribbling in her notebook. What a picture she makes?

Hi Dineh,

This reads very clean and is a highly amusing piece. You might consider renaming it “the Mopes”. In fact, I think this could be split into two chapters, with the essay on the Mopes being its own. I am unsure how the poetry really comes into play—how it adds to Viola’s already interesting character. I might experiment with leaving the poetry out and in, maybe saving it for the third chapter. I would explore more of the surrealism you touch on in the beginning by describing Viola as a werewolf or some type of night creature. After all, you might make this a crucial element in the story. Right now, Viola lives in her head—mightn’t she venture out into the world and describe what she sees there? I think what might be missing here is a story or point to her railing against the Mopes. Why does she feel so threatened by them? Does she feel as if she has been misunderstood all her life by them? Etc.

In addition, Viola mentions her earlier life but leaves the threads loose.. you might try exploring why Viola has always been a night person. A perfect setting to explore this would be to describe past conversations with people who ask her about her night owlishness, for instance, if she has ever been to a therapist. Did she used to stay up late as a child as well?

The small groups for this week are

Group 1: Dineh, Bob, Nicola

Group 2: Cynthia, Lee

After you have read and critiqued your small group’s Week 5/6 manuscripts on your blogs, please arrange a synchronous chat or Skype conference call as usual. In your discussions, be sure to focus on author’s intent. Remember that this is the second draft of the writer’s first week’s MS, so you might go back and browse their Week 1 MS for reference to see what was changed.

Lastly, please watch the video, “General Words of Wisdom for Aspiring Writers,” on the Week 6 page and respond to it in your blog posts. You may also discuss the video in your small groups. Ignore all other information on the Week 6 page, except for the Additional Resources section which you may find helpful when looking for other creative nonfiction works or magazines that publish creative nonfiction.

That’s all for this week! Thanks so much for producing such interesting writing these past six weeks, and for all your patience regarding tech mishaps. I will probably be forwarding an end of the course survey from the P2PU folks later in the week, which I hope you will take.

For those who complete the course, I will solicit mailing addresses to send your P2PU t-shirts.

Happy last week of critiquing!

Dineh,

I really enjoyed reading this piece; it was highly amusing and very cleverly written. I wonder who it describes? Viola—is she an alter ego of the narrator from the first week? Is this to further characterize that narrator–to demonstrate her multifaceted nature? There’s a bit of youth and reckless fun in this piece; perhaps it might show as a her night time personality, or a flashback to a bit of her past. I don’t know how to really connect the two, but you might not want to. Is this about the same place from Week 1?

I think this would actually enrichen the character from week 1, if you attempted the connection. If so, you should work on a transition, how the narrator from week 1 hates getting up in the mornings—what do the mornings remind her of, represent to her? How did she come up with this Viola person? Etc.

I would like more about Viola’s experiences copy-writing, and in writing odd jobs throughout her life, as it seems to have played an important role in shaping her character. Her boss is ephemeral; can you make him concrete? Is he balding? Is he kind? He’s comes off as a Keelber elf here–the one thing he says. I think it would be fruitful to juxtapose the fantasy like nature of this piece with something that jolts it back down to earth, ie. I loved the line “Though, technically speaking, the job description leaned far more toward copy-writing.” It demonstrates a sense of humor on part of the author, poking fun at her own character, herself, which is always valuable. My comments in-line: CNF_Week3_NtantisoThirdPerson – JP Comments.

Bob,

The opening paragraphs come off a bit too abstract for me; I have trouble connecting things together. After that, however, the narrative is fascinating, delving into various histories and ending with a highly intriguing juxtaposition of outsider perspectives. I like the VP character; he adds color, a different view, a foil for narrator to express his true feelings regarding Jefferson st. I’d like to see more of it.

Most of my comments are in-line here, CNF – Week 2 – Jefferson Street 2- Bob Metry – JP comments, but I am very interested in the expanded history of narrator’s family. I would write more about the mother and step mother, and the roles each played in his life. Have you read Middlesex by Eugenides? It’s fiction, I know, but it is epic, just as I feel your family’s history must be. I would highly recommend it.

I also want the scene(s) with Ida described, as she seems the only person left living on Jefferson street. The phone calls, the in-home visits—what exactly do they talk about, and how do they interact? Etc. I hope your endeavors develop into a longer story…

Nicola,

Most of my comments are in-line: CNF Week 2&3 – Waldfriedhof Pankow – Nicola Caroli – JP comments.

I see two new threads of interest in this second visit: the ancestry of the narrator (grandmother, great grandparents) and her three artist friends. I think it is beautifully written, but what does it mean “she is like them”? What are her artist friends like exactly? It would be good to have a scene or two of interaction, in memory, with her friends, so that her friends are characterized beyond what she has to think about them fleetingly. You begin to do this with the Anna Blau’s husband, though you might expand there, too.

I am very interested in the contrast between the narrator’s fleeting, abstract thoughts, and the hard reality of her relatives’ home. The first week it seemed as if she was alone in all the world; now we know she has family, albeit they don’t understand her. Can you characterize them? Sketch a scene? What kinds of things do they say? What do they look like/dress like compared to her?

She doesn’t feel at home here or where she comes from. Recently she went to visit her father’s sister, another aunt. They looked at her curiously, anxious about what she might say. She doesn’t tell them about Alfonsina Storni, that she walked into the sea, about her walks in the cemetery, about the ceramic angels or the planes passing overhead. It’s too far away, for them and for herself.

Hello everyone,

After reading through last week’s MS’s, I think that some of you may be better served to continue new writing (rather than revising). So I’m going to leave it up to you for Week 5. You can choose between:

1. Continuing your narrative from last week and writing new stuff about your place (see where it takes you!), or

2. Revising your Week 1 MS, based on your peers’ feedback (and your own)

If you choose 1, see Week 5‘s Tasks for suggestions of how to approach your place. However, this is not mandatory; please only regard this blog announcement as what you absolutely need to do.

If you choose 2, revise! And ignore what it says under Week 5 Tasks.

In addition, please watch Thomas Farber’s Magnum Opus video on that page, and respond on your blogs: What is your magnum opus thus far, literary or no?

Next Tuesday, upload your new or revised MS to the Assignments page as usual, under Week 6.

There will be no small groups this week, but the last week (week 6) will be devoted to the small groups. Please upload your new or revised manuscripts by the end of the day on Tuesday, October 13.

NOTE: You should feel free to reach out to your past small group (or other persons including myself) for help in revising an MS if you still need clarification regarding their critique.