Aileen,

I love this narrator; she’s funny. She combats things with a sense of humor—maybe a learned sense of humor through the years, which makes it all the more genuine and deep. I love the litte interjections of thoughts—though the italics are driving me crazy! You don’t need italics for most of these things—the reader gets it just fine, and works even better when it’s just a natural part of the narrative without the glaring directive of italics.

What an ingenious idea! Capturing your time at the gym—brilliant! All the detail about the gym is good; would be good also to pay the same attention to detail of the gyms’ characters—but maybe that’s for next time. Maybe the people become more real to narrator after successive visits. You’re very brave to write about your struggles. What makes it work as a narrative right now is the honesty of the first person narrator and her sense of humor. In this case, I might not encourage writing in third person (only if it will help you, would still be a nice experiment, to switch back and forth and see what you are most comfortable with).

Some ideas, or rather questions, for the future: You mentioned very clearly what narrator wants—not goals, but her youth back, her body back. Is that all? What has happened to her husband? She knows she can’t have her youth back, so what is her purpose in going to a gym? To keep alive? To feel alive?

Looking forward to more about the gym, and narrator’s experiences with it, in it… My comments in-line: Week1 – Aileen – JP comments.

Nicola,

I thought this was really lovely. The images you evoked were subtle—my favorite was the wind lifting the fringes of her scarf. This piece exudes subtlety, and subtle wanderings of the mind. It reminds me of writings by Amy Hempel; have you read her? I would recommend her; she has a way of turning a phrase—everything she writes is exquisitely crafted. She is known for short, fictive pieces that relay moments in time.

For you, I would encourage revisiting this cemetery, continuing with the quiet observations you have spelled out here, and to continue spelling out more. This time, maybe interjecting with some background of the narrator’s intentions. Why is she here? Why does she visit the graves that are not her ancestors’ each week? What connection does she have to this place? What has happened to make her so unafraid of death? And which group is she a part of—the East Berliners, the West Berliners, neither of these? What significance does the Berlin wall have for her?

I think it would also be helpful for her to go on a little excursion, around the stream maybe, or explore one specific aspect of the cemetery. Does she imagine out the lives of those dead? Why does she think no one will care enough to place ceramic angels on her grave? Who is the most important person in her life?

Thanks; I look forward to reading more. Here are my in-line comments:CNF Week 1 – Waldfriedhof Pankow – Nicola Caroli – JP comments.

(As requested, an extension from last week.)

Basically, you’re going to spend this week writing more, new material, based on your peers’ feedback. You first week’s work was rich with potential–so many different avenues for you to explore. Write four to six more pages. Revisit the place, whether physically or in memory. See Week 3 for details.

Since there are no small group meetings this week or critiques, please use this time to catch up (for those of you who haven’t had a chance to meet yet or finish your critiques). Also don’t forget to:

1. Respond to Farber’s video on the “struggles of writing nonfiction” on your blog. What are your current struggles?

2. Respond to the other discussion questions on your blog. See Week 3 for details.

Susan,

Wow, I had never known about Preventoriums before! This was fascinating–you definitely did a great job of just laying it all out there, getting everything you could remember down. It felt like that while reading, like I was lapping up memories of this phenomenon that happened to you when you were so young.

I think one way you might approach this place/memory/period in your life is to think about how you would frame it in the context of your current life. So, for instance, starting the story with a conversation you may have had with a friend, or with another scene from everyday life, and then delving into these memories. Or thinking specifically of the intended receiver of these memories—a series of letters to someone or some set of people. I definitely think you’ve got a lot here, though, and would encourage you to keep writing more of whatever comes to mind until it is all recorded, before worrying too much about the technical structure.

I’m really interested in the setting of the Preventorium; I would love more  concrete details in terms of the smell of the place, the texture of the clothes she had to wear, etc. The devil is in the details… and I feel like you have a well of riches here just waiting to be described and shaped.

Also, the perspective here is a bit distant–it is definitely from the perspective of someone who is looking back and trying to remember, rather than being again in the same shoes as the child. Is this what you are going for?

I guess for the future I would suggest attempting to fully capture one of the myriad moments you have run through in this draft, or a new one, before moving on to the next. There is a lot of material here, and each scene deserves to be fully fleshed out.

My in-line comments: Preventorium week 1 Currie-1 – JP comments.

Bob,

I loved the opening, and I loved how you deftly weaved in the history before writing yourself in that scene with the “sprucy” woman in the car. That scene painted an apt image of the narrator, and I would like to see more like it. After that scene, the narrative rolls with a lot of fascinating background–but I think this history can be slowed down a little, and the narrator’s visit in late spring be continually described. What more did the narrator do there? Which places did he revisit; which people did he talk to?

I think you analogies are on the button, and your prose is wonderfully vivid. I would like more scenes from the past to accompany the history. The narrator mentions “daddy”, reverting back to a childhood perspective. What specific memories does he have of his father? Why is it so seemingly painful for narrator to go back, or to never want to go back? Or can’t go back? What happened during the twenty years after he was four on Jefferson street–why is that street so significant for him? What did he do there? He must have come of age there, must have fallen in love for the first time, must have broken his mother’s heart for the first time, must have experienced loss for the first time… I can’t wait to read about all of this in your continuing story…

My comments in-line: Jefferson Street 1 – JP comments.

John,

I think this is great in terms of material–you have Reggie, and I think you should really tell us more about him. Use him as a foil for insights into narrator’s own character, history, why he ended up in Kensington of all places. How is he different from or like Reggie? Right now the piece wraps up nicely as an essay on a place, but I’d like to see it go beyond musing on the  place and why narrator chose to settle there compared to other areas of Calgary. I think you can delve into scenes now, get into specifics, like when you mention the interaction between the barista and the homeless guy–describe it, with dialogue! Who is she? (Has narrator ever flirted with her, for instance?) Who is the homeless guy? How is he connected to Reggie? What are the narrator’s own intentions for living here, in Kensington, seemingly alone. What does the narrator want? Where is he headed?

Look forward to reading more. Here are some in-line comments: CNF Week 1 – A Village in the City – John Lewis – JP comments.

Lee,

I read this as protagonist’s respite from life. A car ride to flesh out narrator–what a wonderful idea! I want more of the concrete here though, and less of the jittery turns of mind (though it is good, just less of), and by concrete I mean—what is her occupation? Where is she driving to? How old are her children? What did her daughter do in school that embarrassed her–how will her husband be waiting for her at home? What games will they have played? How does this affect her? Is she stifled by them? Drawn to them? Both?

On the car ride back from work, or what have you, next week, it would be good to see her other life–the career life in comparison to the home she has thus far painted. How does she juxtapose the two? It would be great to see specific instances–scenes of interaction from both lives that she remembers while driving. Maybe she could grab onto a concrete object in the road; this would serve as a nice background tension as she muses in her head. Perhaps she curses at a driver or makes a wrong turn, or notices a squirrel scampering up a tree…

Here are my in-line reactions: The Story of an Hour – JP comments. I enjoyed reading, and am excited to see where future drives will take her.

Dineh,

There is so much here! And I have so many questions, as you will see when you read my reactions in-line. I think the chronology confuses a bit; if you started with the concrete, I think you would have the reader along with you for the ride into the past. Begin, perhaps, with the bit about technology, frustrations with or lack thereof, where narrator is now, and what exactly makes her think of the past. Or perhaps begin with the opakapaka. The past is enticing–the most intriguing section, and the part where I think you might start from for next week, is the bit about “amazni a shu shu”. The cultural differences, as well as the misalignment in humors, are starkly apparent here, and tells the reader more about the couple and the narrator’s relationship to Vuyani more than any other part of the narrative. It’s all so rich right now, and I can’t wait to read more about the couple’s history–how they came to be a couple, and how they came to be at the point they are right now in time.

These are only my suggestions, of course, offered with the best of intentions. Attached are my responses in-line: Week1_Ntantiso_Assignment1 – JP comments. Looking forward to next week!

Cynthia,

My first reaction is also an apt reaction the title–to the “randomness” in the park. I think a story could take shape here, if you were to frequent this park often enough. A thread for a story could be one of the frequenters of the park, a particular dog that interacts with yours, or with a religious statue. A recurring woman in pantsuit–perhaps she reminds you of an extraordinary aunt, or someone else you once met. A story could unravel from there. Maybe the next time, the narrator ventures inside of Grace Cathedral and revisits the religion that seems to have dominated her young life. Why did she shy away from it? Or, why is it so constant in her thoughts? What past experiences, stories, does she have to tell of this place—the church and what it symbolizes, the park and how it serves as a possible backdrop or foil to the church? I suggest that in your next visit, you really run with one of these themes, so that it is no longer “randomness”.

Attached are my comments: Jimes P2P Course Assmt 1 – JP comments. All of my comments are only personal reactions and suggestions–please take them as you will, with a grain (or many) of salt. There are so many potential directions for this narrative to go, and I am looking forward to reading more.

Hi everyone,

There was a question regarding in-line edits and how extensive they have to be. They can be as extensive as you like! They are mainly to record your reactions to the author’s work: to correct typos, indicate places of confusion, where clarification or elaboration would be appreciated, to commend the author for a choice of words, etc. When it comes to critiquing creative writing, there are no set-in-stone rules. Rather, try to respond as a reader and a writer might, by placing yourself in their shoes. You certainly are not expected to comment on every line or even every paragraph. It is merely easier to comment in-line sometimes than to mention every detail in your summary critique.